Everyone experiences stress and performance anxiety. Nobody likes it, and some people suffer terribly from it. Some stress is necessary for our survival. As cave dwellers, stress and anxiety caused by external threats were excellent drivers of survival behaviours. The trouble is, in the modern world, from your brain’s perspective, there are many more perceived threats and the pace of life doesn’t allow sufficient downtime between “threats” to recover perspective and get yourself back to a place of choice: whether you are going to remain in control, or be controlling of people or things in the world outside.
In this four part guide we’re discussing that fundamental question: Are you In Control or Controlling?
- This First Part we are finding the roots of everyday stress and performance anxiety according to behavioural Neuroscience. We begin with an important understanding of Locus of Control and its implications for your brain. We’ll discuss why choosing to be In Control or Controlling is critical and how you respond to the many and varied challenges and obstacles you face every day
- In Part Two, we’re digging the roots of controlling, stress and performance anxiety. We’ll discover how easy it is to get trapped by the effects of external events and other people and; the two enemies of our mind spiralling us into performance anxiety and fear and hence controlling.
- In Part Three, we’ll be looking at the antidote to Controlling, stress and performance anxiety and how you can choose to be in control, or at least, better place your locus of control so that you can learn and grow and be better equipped for the next challenge.
- And in Part Four, we’ll be sharing the secret oxymoron to being more In Control, and the often overlooked critical difference between Delegation and Empowerment.
I think that we first need to be clear about Everyday Stress and Performance Anxiety
Everyone experiences stress every single day. Stress is not always harmful. Nor is it always a bad thing.
Being promoted, for example, causes stress yet we usually associate it with a positive feeling. Getting married is certainly stressful, but again, it’s usually a happy occasion and something to be celebrated. This is called Eustress.
Chronic stress is the cost of daily living: bills, kids, work, school. This is the type of stress we tend to ignore and push down — yet left uncontrolled, this stress has adverse health implications.
Acute stress is associated with real or perceived threats that cause fear. Useful when it’s caused by a lion by the water cooler, less useful when it’s your boss by the water cooler.
Distress is stress from daily life activities that have negative implications such as financial difficulties, work problems, injury, divorce.
We should note here that anyone with PTSD or having any form or traumatic stress should seek professional medical help beyond the scope of this guide.
Performance Anxiety is fear about your ability to perform a specific task.
When you experience performance anxiety you may worry about failing a task before it has even begin. You might believe that failure will result in humiliation or rejection. This is one reason it is so very important that leaders strive to create and maintain a psychologically safe environment.
It is worth noting that there are two further commonly diagnosed types of anxiety that sufferers should seek professional medical help beyond the scope of this guide. These are:
Social Anxiety is overwhelming stress associated with social situations and
General Anxiety Disorder whilst being triggered by similar every day activities, sufferers of GAD fixate on fears and concerns to the extent that it seriously negatively impacts their lives as they struggle to control their worries on more days than not.*
What are the roots of such everyday stress and performance anxiety?
It will help us first to understand ‘What is “locus of control” and why it matters?’
Your Locus of Control is the extent to which you believe that you (internal locus of control), as opposed to external forces beyond your influence (external locus of control), have control over your life.
If you expect to work to succeed you will be more motivated and more likely to learn and grow. If you attribute your success to luck or fate, you are less likely to make the effort needed to learn and grow. Someone with an external locus of control is also more likely to experience anxiety since they believe that they are not in control of their lives — **and this anxiety gives them the illusion of control over others or over external events. **
::This bears repeating. When you are anxious, this gives you the illusion of control over others or external events::. For example, “if it weren’t for my lack of abilities/resources/knowledge/relationships I’d be able to…”, or “what if I were in the right place at the right time (by chance and luck) then I would have ….”
It’s what I would have, should have or could have done if only… What I call the “Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda Zone”.
If you have an external locus of control, you are at the effect of external events and the actions of other people. You REact to those events.
We do need to understand though, that an internal locus of control is not necessarily “good” nor an external one “bad”. We all do both, and there really are times (such as during the COVID pandemic) when you do not have sufficient influence over things to be truly in control.
I was reading Ann Voskamp’s “One Thousand Things Devotional” and was inspired to paraphrase something she wrote on these lines:
> “Your mind would rather fret about the future or pine over the past so that it can cling onto its own illusion of control.” But the current moment cannot be controlled. So our mind discounts it and we forget to savour and enjoy every now moment.
Adapted from Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts
So, Being In control is not the same as controlling?
“In control” is when you have an internal locus of control, you choose to be at cause for everything that you can control — which is you and your choices and your actions. “Controlling” is when you have an external locus of control and you REact to and are **at the effect **of the outside world and other people. It’s the choices you make to (try to) control the actions of other people and other things. But, thats not your job! That’s their job!
For every challenge we face, we start with a choice?
Something happens and you now face a challenge. It doesn’t matter if you made the “something happen”, or someone else did or the universe conspired: you face an obstacle and you have a choice…
- You can choose to react and avoid the challenge, or
- You can choose to act to overcome or address the challenge.
Remember, it’s not that one choice is right and the other wrong. It’s the beginning of a cycle of response that has a greater or lesser chance of ending with optimal or less than optimal results.
And, depending on what does happen in the outside world or what someone does, you might be in control and go through the growth cycle, whilst, given the same situation, I try to control and head off to the “Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda Zone”. A different situation and it could be me in growth cycle and you become the worrywart.
Is there always a Challenge?
Examine your own life for a moment and you will soon discover that your life is a series of challenges.
As a young teenager, I found getting out of bed in the morning a challenge. I certainly found some school subjects challenging.
At the weekend I faced the challenge of a broken plug socket at home. A few minutes ago, I faced the challenge of a non-responsive computer.
So, yes, every day is filled with challenges. Some don’t feel like challenges now. And why is that? Because we’ve faced them before and we’ve learned how to overcome them. Or I pop over to YouTube and watch someone show me how to overcome the problem. Some challenges seem mundane and simple to me now. Others are daunting (and not on YouTube :-)).
Look at your own life and notice the every day challenges. Those that you’ve learned to overcome appear insignificant now. Others still stop you in your tracks.
The wonderful thing about challenges is that they are the reason we grow and learn.
No battles, no spoils.
We pretend that we don’t like to be challenged. The truth is, without challenges in your life, it would be tremendously boring and stagnant:
When you learned to drive a car, the first several times it was almost impossible for you to do it, let alone do it smoothly, easily, safely and well. There was so much to know and coordinate — and that’s in an automatic. If you learned properly with a manual transmission (aka stick shift for our American cousins), there was much more complexity to this challenge.
After a year, you were pretty smooth with it.
After 3 or 4 years you were unconsciously competent. You could even drive and talk at the same time.
After 20 over years, you’re complacent about driving. An activity you once found nigh on impossible and frightening.
::The roots of your great stress and anxiety when you first learned to drive you now recognise was your perspective that overcoming this complex challenge was beyond your capabilities.:: Now, you scoff at those complexities because you know just how capable and proficient you have become.
Of course, as someone who learned how to drive with a stick shift I do so enjoy those Amazing Race episodes when those who only ever drove an auto car are utterly flummoxed and boy, do they get stressed out. Makes for great TV. Terrible for their brains and health, but great TV.
::And that’s the thing with new challenges, they kick our fear circuits into action.:: And that’s something we need to recognise and understand in Part Two: Are you In Control or Controlling?: Digging Out the Roots of Stress and Anxiety.
In the meantime: Learn about “Your Brain on Stress and Anxiety” with my popular whiteboard video.
